The Prenup

It's rare that I get a glimpse to the romantic lives of my younger siblings. When I think about it, despite the dreams I had of being that safe haven of which all their problems could be laid before me and I'd be this remarkable well of insight, wisdom and experience turned out to be just that. They've grown up and haven't really needed me. It's the strangest thing, feeling proud and deflated at the same time. All I can do is pray for them.

I've developed quite a dislike for prenuptial agreements. I understand that one has worked hard, made countless sacrifices and paid in blood, sweat and tears; in some cases literally (a chef immediately comes to mind) for their material possessions. I understand you can't really predict the future and it is best to prepare for it. Have insurance so to speak. Our means of looking into the character of others are not without holes and flaws. It is best to keep our bases covered especially considering how hard it is to get access to resources necessary for a relatively comfortable life.

This is the reasoning behind the thought, if you cannot trust someone with your material possessions how can you trust them enough to raise children together? Considering how much more precious children are in comparison to material possessions, how can you? Considering how much more precious your family is in comparisons to material possessions why involve them with such a person? Is your desire for good sex and the buzz of infatuation that much more important? To quote a wise man, if you can't handle earthly riches who can entrust you with true riches? Considering how much more precious you are in comparison to material possessions, why then tie yourself to a person you cannot be certain they have the kind of character to keep their commitment?  I'm not saying that trust should be given freely without the use of rational faculties nor would I with good conscience advocate that. I also am not saying you should come to such conclusions alone. I don't think you can do that. With marriage one is looking to both build a family, and unite two previously separated families. There are certain qualities that one must have and there are means of looking into this matter and getting the relevant answers. There were quite some efficient methods in the past, cultural practices that actually help dramatically increase the odds of a successful marriage.  If marriage was just a matter of dates and love making am pretty sure there wouldn't be much to say on the matter. With time hopefully I'll be able to explore the matter at length.

Here I wanted to look at the Prenuptial process. What to do that makes you a living, walking prenuptial agreement; one the carries the guarantee of a blissful successful marriage. What would make you a delight to marry. I'd like to submit the following.

1) Quit an addiction. i.e. say you watch porn or addicted to masturbation or a compulsive gambler. Do everything and anything to quit. There is a useful skill to be gained in this. The ability to deny your cravings for the sake of a greater goal. In marriage there are times you will desire something that might or will hurt your marriage. You may feel absolutely justified or feel totally powerless against it, and you will need to pull away from it for the sake of your spouse. That ability to tell yourself no, the ability to deny yourself is a key to being faithful.

2) Gain a new skill or learn a new language. It takes alot of discipline to set a goal, make the necessary sacrifices to accomplish the goal. Marriage is a life long cycle of climbing and descending mountains. There will be progress and there will be setbacks. Your ability to keep the end in mind and push aside distractions will help you be a better spouse. It will also help you be a resource in marriage. A big part of marriage is gathering and deciding how best to use limited resources. Take something that will challenge you, and push you and require you to use discipline. So accomplishing a few long term goals can help you grow into a more useful person to have around. It helps your spouse to think "at least he can do a,b,c"

3) Serve your family members. In interacting with family members you will come across landmines that are common in marriage. The irritating mundane tasks that mean absolutely nothing to one but the be all and end all to another. The fights over the remote. The biting your tongue and keeping quiet knowing well the other person is being absolutely irrational and reason is something they will not listen to.  The is also a good habit to be gained here. Learning how to be reliable. Learning to keep your word. Learning to forgive. Learning how to fight fair. Learning to be good and kind despite resentment building up inside you. Learning what to sacrifice and invest in your family. That is what your spouses is going to be. Family. Simultaneously you are going to be spouse, friend, sibling and parent to an adult. With family you will learn to interact with the child in others, as well as the adult in others. You will learn how to live together.  Make your parents smile but also learn not to be bullied into making immoral choices. Learn how to deal with unpleasant relatives. All these tests will make you a better spouse and navigate that ocean known as "in-laws" with all their strengths and weaknesses.

I think time spent in doing these three things  will make a big difference once you chose to walk the aisle or pay the bride price. Even if you are already married I think you would agree it would help your marriage get better.